I Want To Be That Liar Guy...

I think at this stage in your life, you've met that one guy (or girl) who just has this thing for being a habitual liar. You know the guy who claims something like Michael Jackson once stopped and used his bathroom, or that he used to date Scarlet Johanssen before she was famous, or that he once made out with the hot French teacher. I think you know that guy. I used to work with one. I'm not sure which comes first whether it's the lying or the job, but they probably end up in sales maybe at used car lots? This guy would tell you a 20 inch TV would bake a potato for you while you showered even if you hadn't bought potatoes in like three months if it meant him making a few bucks out of it.

So, I want to be that guy. I want to tell you about how I grew up in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico and lived there until I was 5, then moved to French Lick, Indiana and went to elementary school while my father a professional wrestler made a name for himself. After that it was a life on the road. From Climax, Colorado to Beaver Lick, Kentucky to Meat Camp, North Carolina I've lived in all kinds of cities with weird names, some even moreso than the last.

Then when I was all grown up and able to go to school and get a job, I majored in Liberal Arts with a minor in Archaeological Digsites of Ancient Mesopotamia. (Of course, what else would I do?) What did that get me? Well, for two years I did research and fact checking for Jeopardy! After that I parlayed that gig into a two year stint on the Cornelia Marie now featured on the Discovery Channel hit show "Deadliest Catch" of course this was all prior to the TV show, so I missed my shot at fame. I did an episode of Blind Date that never aired because I showed up drunk to my dates house and got into a verbal confrontation which then escalated and ended up instead as an episode of Cops. I never served any time, though.

Anyway, I guess that's not really a job. Since then I served as a creative consultant on TLC's "While you were out" where I dated Teresa Strasser, who is now on the Adam Carolla Show and on the TV Guide Channels "TV Water Cooler" or something like that. It was shortly after that when I met her soon to be future boyfriend, Brian Dunkelman, who went on to co-host American Idol. He got me a job as a Production Assistant, but I only lasted one season because I decided to leave with my boy "Dunk" because he thought we could move on to greener pasteurs together. That never happened, so then I became a pitch guy for TV Shows, I had this crazy idea for a giant scavenger hunt that took place across the entire Earth. They said it would never work and then mysteriously came "The Amazing Race". I'm still pissed about that. I also pitched some other ideas that didn't get picked up in any shape for or fashion.

For the last two years I've been living at my parents house. Only coming out when the shadows grow long. On occasion I come out and entertain the parents with a little Truffle Shuffle, but only when I'm in the mood. I'm currently trying to pitch an idea about a baker who makes custom flavored pies for people, but the Food Network is passing on that idea because they've already got something similar to it. A pox on them. Maybe it's time for me to do some archaeological digs in ancient Mesopotamia, you know it's the cradle of life. At least that's what I remember from the Tomb Raider movie.

Yeah, I want to be that guy. Of course everything you just read is all true. Except the part where I did any of this.

-Red