True Story

So, a few years ago I found myself in the Los Angeles Convention Center covering my first major press event for the site I write for: www.DreamStation.cc (end shameless plug) and I came across former, well I guess he would've been a "B-list celebrity", but not no more. Anyway, there I was minding my own business walking through the throngs of people, when a small moving crowd starts coming my way. Who is at the center of said crowd? Wait for it...

Actor/Comedian: Sinbad (not the pirate by the way, and definitely not Richard Grieco, former star of 21 Jumpstreet, who played Sinbad in a craptastic reinvention of the old movies with the stop motion photography) there were some hangers on and the like. It was the first celebrity that I spotted that day aside from don't call me "MacGyver", Richard Dean Anderson. (I'll have to dig up the picture I took of him for you one day), but that was part of the show, the guy was propped up on stage, Sinbad (who's not dead contrary to internet rumors) was walking the show floor. Anyway, as he walked by me, I said to myself, "Hey it's Sinbad!" You would've said the same thing, if you saw someone who had formerly starred with Lisa Bonet and your former TV crush Jasmine Guy (I know, I was young, I didn't know better). I immediately snapped a picture as he walked by me, only I was on the move, too and the photo came out all blurry. Needless to say I tried again, but no luck once again. I thought for a minute about going after him and waiting him to stop for a quick picture, but decided against it. Then I looked at the pictures to see how bad they came out, they had that motion blur thing that happens when things are moving. Anyway, I thought about keeping them for a minute and showing everyone that I had seen Sinbad and then I said, "Fuck it, it's just Sinbad."

Seriously. True Story.

Maybe another time I'll tell you about the time Steven Spielberg's bodyguard gave me the old Heisman/you shall not pass/stay the fuck back, no pictures of the "Great Spielberg" hand up in my grill. That's also a true story, maybe I'll tell you about it, maybe I won't depends on how I feel. That's enough name dropping for today, though.

Things Better Left Unsaid...Part 1

You know, there are some things that should just remain unsaid, and by some, I mean a lot. Most of the crap that comes out of my mouth in real life should probably go unsaid, but in general it doesn't stop me from actually saying it. Anyway, that's where this helpful guide to things that you shouldn't say in public comes in handy. I want you to go through a less embarrassing life that you already have, so read on about those things that you shouldn't say and learn a lesson.

Here's the situation:

You're coming out of the bathroom at work and that hot chick/guy are about to walk in right after you just gave birth to some brown (or heaven forbid green) babies.

Don't say:

You may want to use the other bathroom down the hall, I had some bad and I had to get rid of it in a hurry.

Instead say:

Whoa! Someone totally effed up the bathroom and stunk it up like cigarette's, wet dog, and hot garbage, I had to hold my breath while I washed my hands.

See how that works? Sure, you did the crime and you deserve the public humiliation or at least the humiliation of his/her circle of friends knowing you took a most heinous crap while on work premises. But, since they can't really pin it on you (hopefully) you don't have to 'fess up to it.

So, let that be a lesson to you. Never take a crap while at work. Always bring it home with you. Lesson learned.

What Is It About...Driving and Nosepicking

Maybe this will be my schtick, semi-regular postings about whatever it is that bugs me. "What is it about..." Those will be my rants I guess, I don't know. I just know that this idea has been bugging me for the last few days as I contemplated creating this blog in the first place. So, for my inaugural post entitled "What is it about...?" I'm going to talk about driving and the picking of noses. I've got about 4 hours worth of driving when I go to work roundtrip, (don't ask) and I see this all the time. From Pinto's to Benzo's, everyone seems to do it (not me, though, I'm far too upscale and sophisticated to do stuff like that) the poor, the rich, the middle class, everyone with a nose seems to be in full dig-mode when piloting an automobile. So, what is it about drillin' and driving that seem to go hand in hand with one another like teens at the local theme park (they still do that don't they? I mean hold hands and go to theme parks? Most of the kids I see now at the mall have their iPod firmly in place within their ears and they only stick close enough together for me to imagine that they're somehow a couple and not related or bonded by step-parents, but that's another subject for another time), is it because there's nothing better to do? You can perform one act with one hand while simultaneously pulling off the other act with the opposite hand. Is that it? I mean, I don't know the answers, I don't know that there's studies on driving while under the influence of boogers (<==That's a funny word) as I can't imagine there's many people who would confess to the highway patrol that the reason they swerved into oncoming traffic was because they had a fingernail full of green "gold".

Hell, what do I know? Maybe there are studies and I missed them. Anyone work for an auto insurance company out there? Do you have numbers? I'm going to go ahead and say that 13% of accidents are caused by a particularly mean and sticky snot that just wouldn't leave the finger, which, thereby caused the driver to reach across the seat for a tissue of napkin leftover from their last visit to Wendy's (mmm, Wendy's), but it was just so far out of reach that it made them pull on the steering wheel and wreck into some unsuspecting and hopefully, non-nosepicking driver.

By the way keep an eye out for this: When driving and sitting at a stop look around and find that one person who's got their arm out the window and rubbing their index finger and their thumb together trying to get that dried booger off. Just look for it, you're bound to see it and now you're all the wiser for knowing. And, you're welcome.

Welcome To Better Off Read!

w00t! A new blog for you to read, I'm sure you haven't got enough. I guess this will be my place to share rants and thoughts and experiences that most people could care less about. Yet, you're not most people, so that makes you special and me special-er (not to be confused with Special Ed the rapper or Special Ed-ucation). I think you can already see where this is going, it's all downhill from here. Anyway, I was going somewhere with this...

This is the stuff that keeps me up late at night and prevents me from getting a decent night's sleep on a regular basis. Dozens of thoughts go through my head at any given time and I get so far ahead of myself that I can barely hold a conversation without venturing on at least six tangents. You don't know me and I don't even know whether I know you, but we're going to make magic happen on at least a semi-regular basis. I'll try to update this as often as possible, it's easier said than done, you know? I think you'll like it, if you do tell a friend, and if you don't tell your friend how much you hate it and when they tell you that you're an idiot because this stuff here is comedic gold you'll be the one person not able to see the Emperor's New Clothes, you don't want to be that person do you? I didn't think so. Bookmark the page or do whatever it is that brings you back here don't lose it because otherwise you're going to get lost in the sea of other blogs that, while they may be better than my own, aren't my own. I mean, we're friends now, right? That means you're obligated to love me in that non-homoerotic kind of way, or if you're one of the lady types, in the way that you all love Johnny Depp or the sissy kid from N'Sync.

Whatever...don't forget to tell a friend.